Letting God Lead: My Year of Surrendering in Marriage, Money & Motherhood
In the past year, I stopped sharing on my blog, as well as on my social platforms. That is because I am someone who if you ask, “how are you?” I will try to give you the most honest or authentic answer in that moment. I don’t like to just say “fine” or “good” if it’s not the case.
Over the past year, so many things have happened, and I just did not know how to put them into words. I think I’m ready to organize a few thoughts here.
While my ability to manage and organize, when done well, makes me feel fulfilled, it is good for me to not confuse the things I’m able to manage with things and happenings that are out of my control.
Three things that are out of my control include, (1) household finances, (2) a perfect outcome, and (3) my husband's choices.
Without fully realizing it, I falsely believed at one point, that I had control over these 3 things. That lead to frustration and an host of other negative emotions when plans went their own way.. or God’s way. So while I’ve been releasing that desire for control, I’ve had to manage all the emotions that were coming up surrounding each situation. Here’s my journey through surrender and letting God lead.
Finances
Firstly, my husband bought a truck in May 2023 since we previously had one vehicle, which I prefer for simple living purposes, but he rationalized this purchase for his work situation and our growing gardening/homesteading life.
Throughout its first year, the truck had many mechanic visits. And a little over the one year mark, in Fall of 2024, the truck was proving to be the type of hassle that could turn any lover of simple living into balls of stress.
The problem not just one mechanical failure or one auto part bill. It was a succession of these problems that ultimately led to a complete engine rebuild. After the expensive engine rebuild, there were about 2-3 months when the truck was still having problems and even though these new issues were covered by the dealership’s warranty for their work, the stress (and the big question of reliability) lingered heavily.
I prefer to live a simpler life, with less to manage and yet, it seemed like there was too much happening with so many moving parts. I was constantly searching for a way out. Thinking I could control my stress by controlling the situation somehow.
I thought about selling one of our vehicles because having one is doable and would help the finances, I thought about going back to work part-time, we thought about selling everything (if you know, you know!), and I was constantly watching each expense leave the account thinking it could have always been less, and through all of this, we found out we were expecting our third child.
A Perfect Outcome
In March 2025 this year, I gave birth to my 2nd daughter prematurely. This was our third child intentionally born outside of a hospital. I don’t believe a hospital is a place for a birthing woman. A hospital is a place for emergencies and natural birth is most often not that.
Ultimately, birthing 6 weeks early was a surprise but went smooth at home. What followed was when all the stress began. I took my premature newborn to the hospital because I was uncertain about her breathing. She was born around 10pm and we checked in closer to 1am in early March, on a Saturday night, early Sunday morning.
Doctors immediately began recommending a ton of interventions or procedures that I, did not feel totally necessary, and instead of respected and understood for my decisions, I would be shamed, pressured, belittled.
I’m not familiar with the hospital system, and all I knew was that I wanted to be with my baby, and if I would’ve checked myself in as a patient, they would have had us in different rooms and even different wings of the hospital! So I forgoed checking myself in as a patient.
So my refusal of care, along with my denial of interventions, made the staff ultimately draw the conclusion that they could not feel confident that I was the “biological mother”. They felt that they had enough information from the very first night, in order to report me to DCF. I’m still in disbelief that because I actually had an opinion about what went into my baby’s body along with not wanting to leave my premature newborn’s side, that made it reasonable for them to report me to DCF.
So anyways, my point is, there were so many things that I could not control in this situation. It all felt dystopian and hard to grasp in a time and place that SHOULD feel blissful. As my husband said, hospitals should feel like Eden. And they should have all the best food for recovery, but they don’t.
I imagined my recovery period to look so different from what it actually did. I imagined warm soups and oatmeal at home. Waking up with baby in bed while my husband tended to the older kids and they came in and out of the room to cuddle and bring me things and etc.
But what it looked like was cold, pale, sterile hospital rooms, bland GMO food, constant going back and forth to the NICU, having to leave my 6 and 3 year old for hours at a time without having prepped them for this, and so so many conversations with a countless number of hospital staff members, in and out of the room. All during a time when I thought I’d be home and resting in a beautiful newborn bubble.
Even having planned the best I could for the birth, there was no way for me to be in control of a perfect outcome.
There were moments of extreme stress, exhaustion, and worry that pushed me to the brink of who I usually am. I was cracked open and found myself crying out to God. Praising him in the high times, worshipping during the lulls of the days, and praying for clarity in the harshest moments.
My Husband’s Decisions
Let me put it this way: no one affects me the way my husband does.
With others, I’m usually quick to release my judgment, let people live how they choose, and give it all to God. But with my husband, it’s different — I see him as a reflection of me, and vice versa. So when he makes a decision I would not make, it often throws me for a loop.
Still, I know the truth: we are not one single person, and we don’t share one mind. Marriage means coming together as one flesh, but not always one opinion. There will be disagreements and trials. These are the times when we can take the chance to grow the most.
In many ways, entering this next phase of my life has required me to let go of old habits — even parts of myself that were once modeled to me as strengths. For me, that means being less like the relationships I saw growing up, and more like the wife God is calling me to be.
My mother is a wonderful woman — incredibly self-sacrificing, giving, and a nurturing presence to many. But in her marriage, I often witnessed her carrying the dominant role and unknowingly undermining her husband’s authority often. Along with this, I grew up watching dysfunctional, reality television, and the grown-ups around me constantly abused alcohol. This influenced how I respond in and to conflict.
I now long to be more like the woman described in Scripture.
“Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subjects to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”
I want to be that woman — joyful before stressed, grateful before resentful, patient, and able to share God’s love through the way I live. I’ve come to see how my own attitude was beginning to impact not only my husband, but also our children. That awareness pushed me week by week to work hard on myself.
May 2024
In the beginning, I wrestled with whether it was wrong to keep my deepest emotions to myself — wasn’t vulnerability a part of the connection I had with my husband? It certainly was pivotal to the beginning of our relationship. But I came to see the benefit of sharing what I’m feeling with God first.
It’s not realistic to place the burden sorting and organizing my emotions onto my husband. It’s just as hard for him to untangle my feelings as it is for me to explain them when I’m not ready. We each already carry so much. My husband wants to love me well, but it becomes difficult if I bring everything to him raw and unresolved.
“It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.”
Now, I still share my heart with my husband, but I try to do it when I’ve reached a calmer place. That space gives him the chance to really hear me, and it gives our marriage the space to grow in peace, not tension.
I’m learning to love my husband without letting his every decision sway my emotions. We talk about everything — our lives are intertwined — but God is the ONLY one who I’ve come to rely on fully for my portion of peace.
The simple order — God first, then marriage — has brought clarity, peace, and deeper love into our home.
In Summary
While I manage our household budget, there’s no way I can completely control the household finances when unexpected expenses come up. There’s no way I can control a perfect outcome, even when I plan and prepare to the best of my ability. And finally, no matter how much we trust and depend on and love each other, I ultimately cannot control my husband's decisions. I realized that many of my emotional responses to some of these things “not going my way” were rooted in things beyond my control. And my solution for the feeling of stomach-churning helplessness that comes with being out-of-control?
God first — through writing, prayer, and His word.
